Cinema Visit with My Toddler

What our conversation would be if he could speak in full sentences.

Me: Are you sure you want to watch this movie?

Toddler: Yes.

Me: You can sit through the whole thing?

Toddler: I can sit for the first twenty two minutes, which is actually quite an achievement.

Me: And then what?

Toddler: I’ll eat all the popcorn.

Me: I didn’t buy any popcorn.

Toddler: I found some on the floor.

Me: Stop eating that I brought some of your favourite snacks.

Toddler: I don’t want those I want to go and annoy the two people in the back row.

Me: The last thing they want is to be interrupted by a toddler.

Toddler: Too late and I’m now screaming in their faces.

Me: Please focus on the film.

Toddler: I thought I was banned from screentime?

Me: Yes but cinema is different.

Toddler: How come?

Me: Because I said so. Please don’t climb over the back of that chair.

Toddler: But I want to face the people in the row behind and yell “yo yo yo yo”.

Me: Why?

Toddler: Don’t know hey I need to make a hole in the screen.

Me: Why?

Toddler: To see if I can make a hole.

Me: I can’t let you do-- hey how did you get to the screen so fast?

Toddler: I’m quicker than you. Hey this popcorn is really good.

Me: From the floor?

Toddler: From that family in the fifth row.

Me: Wait - stop moving - did you just poop?

Toddler: Yep.

Me: I need to change your nappy.

Toddler: Nope.

Me: I need to.

Toddler: No.

Me: Why not?

Toddler: A movie is playing.

Me: Oh, now you’re interested.

Toddler: There’s a car chase and a helicopter.

Me: Okay let’s focus on the movie. Finally.

Toddler: Great idea. I’m liking this film. Wait, I need to run outside.

Me: Where are you?

Toddler: I’m outside. Enjoy the movie.

Me: Wait!